Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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