ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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