i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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