I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
