M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
