Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
