the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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