Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
