I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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