Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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