I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
