Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well I just put wine in my tea
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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