SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
either way he was missing a nipple.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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