i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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