I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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