There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize