oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize