I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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