**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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