It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
