thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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