stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
