i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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