I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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