I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
