Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
