Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
there is glitter all over my balls
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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