I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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