I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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