Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
