meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize