I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Someone shattered a urinal.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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