Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
