I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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