After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
