I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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