I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
