There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
