I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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