Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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