so that wasnt chicken after all
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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