Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the day after is always just damage control
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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