oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
