first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
