On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
