Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
