Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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