Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize