she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
