and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
