so that wasnt chicken after all
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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