I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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