as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
