Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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