he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
