If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
