Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
