when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
