Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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