dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
