omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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