new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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