Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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